It's been a while.

I haven't been writing because of how sad I have been. Typing the things out that are going on in my life sink me into a deep depression.
There is a hole in my heart forever where my sweet Otis used to be. I can't feel him anymore.

My poor baby.

Poor Otis was diagnosed with Pancreatis today. He has been sick non-stop and it is killing me to watch.
My amazing mom and David are at our old apartment finishing up while I watch Otis. It's so hard because he keeps wimpering and there is nothing I can do to help him /wrists.
They gave him an I.V. full of fluids which then rested on his back like a camel hump until it seeped in. He also got three different shots, a perscription for anti nausea meds and one for antibiotics.
I love him so much and I would give anything right now to take the pain he is feeling away. :'(l;l

sigh.

I didn't end up going with David. The cold I have been getting finally came, so my mom went with him.
They almost took him to jail. He has until the 11th of January to complete his community service and alcohol assessment or they WILL take him to jail. Thanks to my Mom, I actually think we will get it done in time, but we'll see.
Anyway, today is my day off, I have to go tonight to clean the apartment with David, but other then that I can sit, recoop, and play WoW. :D
Hurray for being lazy.

/wry face

David has court in the morning. I dont want to go, although I feel I should. :(

I know..

I never write, it's fucking annoying. Kelsy's blog made me want to attempt to keep up with my blogging, since I know when I read hers it gives me a lot of useful information she otherwise would probably not mention.
Anyway, I HATE moving. There is a load in my car that I still need to take out sometime today, but all I am thinking about is what excuse I can make to avoid doing that and just play WoW until I go to work. Lame, I know.
We have almost everything out (thanks to David and my Mom) and tonight while I am at work they are going to get the rest of the shit out and then touch up the paint/spackle where we hung pictures.
I am happy to be back at my moms for the fact I will be able to save money, buy what I want, and have internet and cable again. But my mom is already driving me crazy, and I am afraid it will make David and I fight a lot.
Anyway, I am going to go play WoW for a little bit and then hopefully muster the strength to at least get everything out of my car for the loads they will be bringing tonight.
Boring post is boring.

Colonoscopy: Failed.

I have had one of the worst days in a long time. I went this morning, after enduring serious torture all night long, for a Colonoscopy. The prep is the worst thing I have ever experienced in my life. You are instructed not to eat anything, only drinking liquids, which wouldn't be that bad if the medicine they give you to "clean you out" didn't taste like a mouthful of slimy ocean water. I heard someone compare it to semen, and yes, I would have to agree with them.
I never actually got the Colonoscopy completed, because I had a serious panic attack, and never was able to go through with it. I have one scheduled for next week with a different doctor, who will let David be with me until I am asleep. I hope it will be successful, but I am not looking forward to prep time again.
I picked up a job app from William Sanoma, the woman was so enthusiastic I bring it back immediately, and profusely gave compliments about my eyebrows. She was cute. I hope I get the job.
I feel like shit, so that's all for now.

So.....

Hi, I never write here. I don't because I know only a couple people actually read what I write, but I guess I ought to do it for myself.
I am a complete failure in life. In pretty much everything. I finally found a therapist, but I sit there and feel awkward, and I only can open up if my mom and David are there with me, which is strange. I am supposed to go to see him tomorrow, but I am supposed to go alone, and even drive myself there, which makes my anxiety go crazy. I don't think I can do it, I don't think it's helping. I want someone I can relate to more, someone who I don't feel like I can't really open up to. I miss Ann, a lot, she was the best therapist, and after seeing her I always felt productive, and that I could go on to the next day with my head up.
A lot of shit has been going on, in my head. I am convinced David thinks I am a failure, because I am, I am. What have I done with my life? I had to quit this semester because of my medical problems, ( I am having a colonoscopy done next Friday to see if I have Crohns :() and I just sit at home all day and clean, but mostly play WoW.
I miss Kelsy a lot, and I know I can see her whenever, but I am mostly ashamed. She is going to school full time, at an actual University, one that I would never be able to get into, and she even has a scholarship. She used to look up to me a lot when she was younger, and now I look up to her, and really want to be like her. I want to have her same interests, and its so weird because I miss her, yet I don't see her. Going out of the house alone lately makes me so anxious, but when I am in her room I feel calm. I feel so stupid saying that, but it's true. I keep making excuses not to do things. I have a bunch of packets I need to be working on because next semester I wont have time. If I ever want to get into the U, or any decent college, I HAVE to get these fucking packets done and graduate with a diploma! I don't want to settle for a GED because I feel as though I am capable of more. I hope I am capable of more, but right now, I am not sure if I am even capable of getting through the week without wanting to kill myself. I don't see any point in my life, my goals are meaningless, because they are impossible to reach. I need to settle for less if I am going to go anywhere in my life. But fuck, I am 21 years old. I don't have too much time to make a decisions, because I am fucking old. I should have been almost done with school, like Kelly who has already graduated and she is 22 or 23. I can't remember..
Anyway, this post is stupid, as am I right now, because I have nothing but my dogs, they are the only ones who I feel truly can't and wont judge me.