I have had one of the worst days in a long time. I went this morning, after enduring serious torture all night long, for a Colonoscopy. The prep is the worst thing I have ever experienced in my life. You are instructed not to eat anything, only drinking liquids, which wouldn't be that bad if the medicine they give you to "clean you out" didn't taste like a mouthful of slimy ocean water. I heard someone compare it to semen, and yes, I would have to agree with them.
I never actually got the Colonoscopy completed, because I had a serious panic attack, and never was able to go through with it. I have one scheduled for next week with a different doctor, who will let David be with me until I am asleep. I hope it will be successful, but I am not looking forward to prep time again.
I picked up a job app from William Sanoma, the woman was so enthusiastic I bring it back immediately, and profusely gave compliments about my eyebrows. She was cute. I hope I get the job.
I feel like shit, so that's all for now.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
So.....
Hi, I never write here. I don't because I know only a couple people actually read what I write, but I guess I ought to do it for myself.
I am a complete failure in life. In pretty much everything. I finally found a therapist, but I sit there and feel awkward, and I only can open up if my mom and David are there with me, which is strange. I am supposed to go to see him tomorrow, but I am supposed to go alone, and even drive myself there, which makes my anxiety go crazy. I don't think I can do it, I don't think it's helping. I want someone I can relate to more, someone who I don't feel like I can't really open up to. I miss Ann, a lot, she was the best therapist, and after seeing her I always felt productive, and that I could go on to the next day with my head up.
A lot of shit has been going on, in my head. I am convinced David thinks I am a failure, because I am, I am. What have I done with my life? I had to quit this semester because of my medical problems, ( I am having a colonoscopy done next Friday to see if I have Crohns :() and I just sit at home all day and clean, but mostly play WoW.
I miss Kelsy a lot, and I know I can see her whenever, but I am mostly ashamed. She is going to school full time, at an actual University, one that I would never be able to get into, and she even has a scholarship. She used to look up to me a lot when she was younger, and now I look up to her, and really want to be like her. I want to have her same interests, and its so weird because I miss her, yet I don't see her. Going out of the house alone lately makes me so anxious, but when I am in her room I feel calm. I feel so stupid saying that, but it's true. I keep making excuses not to do things. I have a bunch of packets I need to be working on because next semester I wont have time. If I ever want to get into the U, or any decent college, I HAVE to get these fucking packets done and graduate with a diploma! I don't want to settle for a GED because I feel as though I am capable of more. I hope I am capable of more, but right now, I am not sure if I am even capable of getting through the week without wanting to kill myself. I don't see any point in my life, my goals are meaningless, because they are impossible to reach. I need to settle for less if I am going to go anywhere in my life. But fuck, I am 21 years old. I don't have too much time to make a decisions, because I am fucking old. I should have been almost done with school, like Kelly who has already graduated and she is 22 or 23. I can't remember..
Anyway, this post is stupid, as am I right now, because I have nothing but my dogs, they are the only ones who I feel truly can't and wont judge me.
I am a complete failure in life. In pretty much everything. I finally found a therapist, but I sit there and feel awkward, and I only can open up if my mom and David are there with me, which is strange. I am supposed to go to see him tomorrow, but I am supposed to go alone, and even drive myself there, which makes my anxiety go crazy. I don't think I can do it, I don't think it's helping. I want someone I can relate to more, someone who I don't feel like I can't really open up to. I miss Ann, a lot, she was the best therapist, and after seeing her I always felt productive, and that I could go on to the next day with my head up.
A lot of shit has been going on, in my head. I am convinced David thinks I am a failure, because I am, I am. What have I done with my life? I had to quit this semester because of my medical problems, ( I am having a colonoscopy done next Friday to see if I have Crohns :() and I just sit at home all day and clean, but mostly play WoW.
I miss Kelsy a lot, and I know I can see her whenever, but I am mostly ashamed. She is going to school full time, at an actual University, one that I would never be able to get into, and she even has a scholarship. She used to look up to me a lot when she was younger, and now I look up to her, and really want to be like her. I want to have her same interests, and its so weird because I miss her, yet I don't see her. Going out of the house alone lately makes me so anxious, but when I am in her room I feel calm. I feel so stupid saying that, but it's true. I keep making excuses not to do things. I have a bunch of packets I need to be working on because next semester I wont have time. If I ever want to get into the U, or any decent college, I HAVE to get these fucking packets done and graduate with a diploma! I don't want to settle for a GED because I feel as though I am capable of more. I hope I am capable of more, but right now, I am not sure if I am even capable of getting through the week without wanting to kill myself. I don't see any point in my life, my goals are meaningless, because they are impossible to reach. I need to settle for less if I am going to go anywhere in my life. But fuck, I am 21 years old. I don't have too much time to make a decisions, because I am fucking old. I should have been almost done with school, like Kelly who has already graduated and she is 22 or 23. I can't remember..
Anyway, this post is stupid, as am I right now, because I have nothing but my dogs, they are the only ones who I feel truly can't and wont judge me.
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