My poor baby.

Poor Otis was diagnosed with Pancreatis today. He has been sick non-stop and it is killing me to watch.
My amazing mom and David are at our old apartment finishing up while I watch Otis. It's so hard because he keeps wimpering and there is nothing I can do to help him /wrists.
They gave him an I.V. full of fluids which then rested on his back like a camel hump until it seeped in. He also got three different shots, a perscription for anti nausea meds and one for antibiotics.
I love him so much and I would give anything right now to take the pain he is feeling away. :'(l;l

sigh.

I didn't end up going with David. The cold I have been getting finally came, so my mom went with him.
They almost took him to jail. He has until the 11th of January to complete his community service and alcohol assessment or they WILL take him to jail. Thanks to my Mom, I actually think we will get it done in time, but we'll see.
Anyway, today is my day off, I have to go tonight to clean the apartment with David, but other then that I can sit, recoop, and play WoW. :D
Hurray for being lazy.

/wry face

David has court in the morning. I dont want to go, although I feel I should. :(

I know..

I never write, it's fucking annoying. Kelsy's blog made me want to attempt to keep up with my blogging, since I know when I read hers it gives me a lot of useful information she otherwise would probably not mention.
Anyway, I HATE moving. There is a load in my car that I still need to take out sometime today, but all I am thinking about is what excuse I can make to avoid doing that and just play WoW until I go to work. Lame, I know.
We have almost everything out (thanks to David and my Mom) and tonight while I am at work they are going to get the rest of the shit out and then touch up the paint/spackle where we hung pictures.
I am happy to be back at my moms for the fact I will be able to save money, buy what I want, and have internet and cable again. But my mom is already driving me crazy, and I am afraid it will make David and I fight a lot.
Anyway, I am going to go play WoW for a little bit and then hopefully muster the strength to at least get everything out of my car for the loads they will be bringing tonight.
Boring post is boring.

Colonoscopy: Failed.

I have had one of the worst days in a long time. I went this morning, after enduring serious torture all night long, for a Colonoscopy. The prep is the worst thing I have ever experienced in my life. You are instructed not to eat anything, only drinking liquids, which wouldn't be that bad if the medicine they give you to "clean you out" didn't taste like a mouthful of slimy ocean water. I heard someone compare it to semen, and yes, I would have to agree with them.
I never actually got the Colonoscopy completed, because I had a serious panic attack, and never was able to go through with it. I have one scheduled for next week with a different doctor, who will let David be with me until I am asleep. I hope it will be successful, but I am not looking forward to prep time again.
I picked up a job app from William Sanoma, the woman was so enthusiastic I bring it back immediately, and profusely gave compliments about my eyebrows. She was cute. I hope I get the job.
I feel like shit, so that's all for now.

So.....

Hi, I never write here. I don't because I know only a couple people actually read what I write, but I guess I ought to do it for myself.
I am a complete failure in life. In pretty much everything. I finally found a therapist, but I sit there and feel awkward, and I only can open up if my mom and David are there with me, which is strange. I am supposed to go to see him tomorrow, but I am supposed to go alone, and even drive myself there, which makes my anxiety go crazy. I don't think I can do it, I don't think it's helping. I want someone I can relate to more, someone who I don't feel like I can't really open up to. I miss Ann, a lot, she was the best therapist, and after seeing her I always felt productive, and that I could go on to the next day with my head up.
A lot of shit has been going on, in my head. I am convinced David thinks I am a failure, because I am, I am. What have I done with my life? I had to quit this semester because of my medical problems, ( I am having a colonoscopy done next Friday to see if I have Crohns :() and I just sit at home all day and clean, but mostly play WoW.
I miss Kelsy a lot, and I know I can see her whenever, but I am mostly ashamed. She is going to school full time, at an actual University, one that I would never be able to get into, and she even has a scholarship. She used to look up to me a lot when she was younger, and now I look up to her, and really want to be like her. I want to have her same interests, and its so weird because I miss her, yet I don't see her. Going out of the house alone lately makes me so anxious, but when I am in her room I feel calm. I feel so stupid saying that, but it's true. I keep making excuses not to do things. I have a bunch of packets I need to be working on because next semester I wont have time. If I ever want to get into the U, or any decent college, I HAVE to get these fucking packets done and graduate with a diploma! I don't want to settle for a GED because I feel as though I am capable of more. I hope I am capable of more, but right now, I am not sure if I am even capable of getting through the week without wanting to kill myself. I don't see any point in my life, my goals are meaningless, because they are impossible to reach. I need to settle for less if I am going to go anywhere in my life. But fuck, I am 21 years old. I don't have too much time to make a decisions, because I am fucking old. I should have been almost done with school, like Kelly who has already graduated and she is 22 or 23. I can't remember..
Anyway, this post is stupid, as am I right now, because I have nothing but my dogs, they are the only ones who I feel truly can't and wont judge me.

If you are so inclined..
http://myrlafluer.tumblr.com/

I kind of like Tumblr better... sometimes.

If you are so inclined..
http://myrlafluer.tumblr.com/

I kind of like Tumblr better... sometimes.

Heat Dog was crazy!

Lolol Klelly.

On my way to the mall, to get some Tom's shoes, some mac lip gloss, and pants. I am excited!! I had terrible Period cramps and couldn't find anything in the house to take except Loritab so you bet your diddy I am a little loopy. We have a family reunion at 5:30 and no I am not excited. Anyway, that's all. :)

With the kids right now, feeling like shit. We are watching the most retarded show ever created, some stupid boy band idiots have there own show, what a surprise. I can't find the remote, so we are stuck.
I feel so sick, stomach cramps like crazy. David and I are going shopping tonight, I am going to get some Tom's so I am pretty excited.
Last night we had to take his sister to the hospital. We were at the bar with some friends when David's mother called us and said Katherine wanted to go to the hospital, and since we are the closest family to her, it is always our responsibility to take her, even if it's at midnight, two in the morning, whenever. We got to her house at around midnight and I was already asleep in the back seat, so David went inside. She claimed she had been puking and that she couldn't stop, and that her stomach hurt really bad. David said when he went in there she was explaining how she didn't need to go to the hospital because she had a doctor appointment the next day, WTF? He reminded her we came from hanging out with our friends to take her, so we went. She did not make any sense the entire night and was obviously on quite a few medications. They found nothing wrong with her and told her she needed to see a counselor for drug addiction. I am upset because it seems the only reason we had to go, have David miss a work day which means a small check, and stay up all night was so she could get a morphine shot and some pain killers. Needless to say, we are never doing that again.

Ugh. That's all.

.

As you can see, my blog got a make over. I did it my self. Thank you.

Frustrated.

OK, I really hate posts where all you do is complain, but today I am going to have (yet another) one of those posts. It really doesn't seem like I don't like rambling my-life-sucks posts, but really I don't. So,
I want my blog to look good, I have been talking for a while about this woman who was designing a template for it, but she disappeared from the face of the earth and I am now unable to get a hold of her. Nice.
I feel SO fat. Not fat, out of shape, stretch marked, scarred and disgusting. Let me get graphic for a second, my husband and I haven't (you know) in forever because I think I am so gross. It's pathetic. I want a perfect body, that line always reminds me of that Radiohead song. I love it. I feel like it says everything I am thinking.
I have been looking into Gwyneth Paltrow & Madonna's Personal Trainer Tracey Anderson, and I am thinking I might buy a Dvd from Amazon, because I am a sucker. So I am contemplating on drinking a beer, trying not to think of all the calories I will be ingesting into my thick ass as I sit and write a paper as they scream "Jesus Christ please go exercise you fat idiot". Harsh, I know. That is just what I think about myself right now. I want a slim no fat adorable sexy body, like everyone, but I really want it without thinking about it so much. I don't want to hate myself, I don't want to beat myself down every time I get a chance, I am such a big bully to myself.

Also, I left my Vegan butter and fake hot dogs at Leslie's and even though I am going there on Friday again, I fear they will eat them without realizing they aren't theirs. Ugh. Ugh, OK done.

Day 2 Vegan

Still going good, I had a completely Vegan hot dog last night. That was fun, today for lunch though, since I am at work, I have to make corn and potatoes haha because I forgot to pack a lunch, Oh well.. I am going to buy a Parmesan substitute and some Vegan pasta tonight so I can resume my normal pasta intake.

Today is David and my 2 year anniversary. I think we may go to dinner to either evergreen cafe, sages, or out for sushi (dont worry ill be getting the veggie roll with brown rice if we do)

Ill post more about our anni later, after I eat, im starvin!

Day one Vegan

So so far today has been easy. This is my first day ever as a full fledged Vegan. I am proud of my decision, and I will be proud of my body later on too!
I bought "Living Vegan for Dummies" and although it is hard right now for me to cut all Animal products from my wardrobe (mainly shoes) I plan to very soon. For now I will not eat them, and I wont buy products tested on animals or anything like that, until I can weed out all Animal products from my life, this is a good beginning. Thanks Kaycee for your help :)

What a Joke....

Kris is trying to talk to me, again. He keeps telling me I was his soulmate and blah blah blah. I think he is completely insane. I tell him how much I love my husband, but he says he just wants to be my friend..

I want him to suffer. I want him to want me, because I have no feelings except hatred and anger towards him. What he did to me I will never forget, and I wont ever get the years back that he took from me. I am happy he left me, or I would have never know what real love feels like.

I am so thankful for you David, thank you.

Skinny Love.

I have been watching Anorexia videos on Youtube. There is a girl in particular that stands out. She hasn't been on in a while, over 2 years, and I am worried something happened to her. She is gorgeous, but she has an eating disorder, one I think about having sometimes.


Anyway. I'll be back later.

Done

I am done with my rough drafts, praise Allah! I hate writing papers, I like writing though.

I'm eating Santitas, and listening to NPR. I love NPR. Anyway, gonna get ready for school.

One Paper down....

So I finally finished one of my essay's, the "Reflections" paper. Yay! I just need to do my observation essay.. then school at 5:30.

I am so in love with Goldfrapp, again. They just came out with a new album "Head First". It's awesome, very donna summer esc/early 80's disco. They are constantly changing, it always surprises me. I believe this is their 5th album? It's good, you should take a listen, at least to believer. Although, I love all the songs. I'm not sure if the album can compete with Supernature or Black Cherry, but it comes pretty damn close.

Plus, Alison is a babe. I want her crazy cat lady hair.






Back to work...

I'm procrastinating.

I still have yet to start my rough drafts for my two papers.. the rough draft's are due on tuesday :(

I am just having writers block.

At work right now, Sofia is watching The Nightmare Before Christmas, I can't believe she isn't freaked out by it. It scares the crap out of me, and I'm 21.
Anyway, my mouth tastes terrible, I think I'm on my 5th or 6th cup of coffee? Hmm..

Ok. I need to get my paper(s) done. Waaah.

Finally

I am writing this from my computer, in my new apartment, with my dogs near. I finally have the internet up and running (thanks to a very generous landlord). It's 2:34am and tomorrow David and I are driving to Provo for fathers day. This week I kept forgetting to call my Grandpa, I cannot, under any circumstances, forget to call him tomorrow. Tomorrow (or today) is also when the person I am purchasing my page design from returns from her vacation, so my blog will be looking pretty soon. :)

Anyway, I should go to bed, because it is late, and I am starting to feel tired, thankfully.


<3


p.s.
it seems to already be smelling like home, Frankie just laid a very smelly fart bomb.

Goodnight.

Ode to Otis

It's been almost a week since we fully moved in. David and I haven't been able to patch the holes in the fence yet, therefore my most precious dogs cannot come home with us quite yet. This makes me extremely sad, especially since I am not able to hold Otis every night and cuddle up to him and smell his fur to go to sleep (seriously, it's so comforting, he smells good.. no really).
Otis is a very special dog. I swear he is my dog Goldie's (rip) child. He acts and looks so much like her, to me, except for his incessant barking.









I love you Otis.

I don't want to eat.

I feel so disgusting. I sat through class today just staring at my thighs. I think they are big, I think I am big. I go around the hallways comparing myself to others. What a terrible way to live. I should be happy I am healthy, have all of my limbs, and am not starving. I need this to change. I keep telling myself when my hair grows back, and all the dieting and excercise I have been doing kicks in, I will feel beautiful. But I should feel beautiful no matter what. I miss who I used to be. Will I ever get her back?

{CuisineZie}

Ok, I am indecisive... but.. I changed my Cooking blog to CuisineZie

I like it better, (Mackenzie) get it? Ok. Good.

cuisinezie.blogspot.com

>follow< if you like :) I promise I will be posting soon, I already have a few recipes. Internet is still not on at the apartment, but I suspect it will be this coming weekend. I am typing this from school. :(

<3

ps.
The person who will be desiging this blog is out of town until the 20th, but it should be looking spectacular soon.

I'm going to be re-designing my blog, I might actually pay for someone to do it. I have found a couple of websites that you can purchase a custom made blog, or one that is pre-made. Or ill try to figure out how to make it myself... ahh I need internet.

So, we got the keys to our new place. I am excited to move, but really scared at the same time. I am afraid of failure, I am always afraid I will fail.
My best friend Kelsy graduated from HS on wed. I am so happy and proud of her. It makes me feel more motivated to get my High school diploma, but I have so many hours more of packets to do. I guess it's better then years.
I have been really depressed the past few days. I am not totally sure why. I have a lot of good things happening lately, but I am so overly stressed I sometimes don't know how to cope. I don't really want to go into details, because I feel like they make me look weak, or sound weak. I'm not weak, I just have problems, like everyone else. I think I just let my problems take over me, instead of trying to fix them.
My mom made me an appt. with a therapist, hopefully that will get me feeling better. I feel like my brain holds me hostage, I can't shut it off, and it's killing me.

Coming soon...

I am soon to be dabbling in the world of cooking, so I thought I would start a blog. I have some decent recipes I would like to share, and I do love cooking. "CuisineMe" is the name of it, cuisineme.blogspot.com
look out for it.

It's late, I'm so tired. I should be sleeping.

Goodnight.

<3

First time at the bar.

Tonight I celebrated my 21st birthday. Colby, Christine, Jeff and David all took me to my very first bar, it was exciting, I felt so grown up! We ended up going to a "diver" Ex Wives club, which it just occured to me that is the name of a Goldie Hawn movie. Hahah gross. I only had two beers, it was the expeirence I wanted, not the booze, I'm not even drunk. It's 2:04 am, and I am in bed, about to sleep. I guees ill tell more tomorrow but I am so tired.

Happy birthday.

To me.

Not having such a great day yet.

21

I am 21 today. It is 2:11 am and I am still awake from the previous night. I am thinking of what I am going to do tomorrow. I am going to "force" some Paperwhites, (put the bulbs in a glass vase, fill with water, and watch them grow) because I love fresh flowers around the house but I always feel bad picking them. David is asleep right now, I love him so much. I love watching him sleep. He recently cut his long hair and although I miss it, he looks very handsome because I can see his beautiful face better without the mess of hair surrounding it, even though he still hasn't shave his huge and bushy and unsightly chops.. one step at a time I guess.
I really need to get back on my diet, and start eating at home. I also need to be done worrying about my cervix and go back and see Joss ( my gym trainer) I need to work out. I always feel better about my body when I work out. I feel fat and ugly, yet I feel skinny and beautiful, because that is how David sees me, and that really is all that matters.
In turning twenty one I am thankful for the things that have happened in my life so far, I still can't believe I have grown up, I didn't ever think I would live past 13.
I am thankful that I met David that fateful day in October, at Barnes and Noble.
I am thankful I got to marry David, and forever spend the rest of my life with someone who makes me feel more incredible each day, someone who inspires me, and someone who makes me want to be a better person.
I am thankful that the amazing person I married also happens to be the sexiest human alive.
I am thankful to have such loving parents, and two Dad's that mean the world to me, and even though we may fight, in the end they make me feel more loved then I think any child ever feels with their parent.
I am thankful I have such a supporting mother, who even though I struggled through school, amoung other things, she has always supported me and sometimes even my rediculous descisions.
I love that I have three wonderful dogs, who shed like crazy, but who are the most tender-hearted creatures in this world.
I am thankful to have friends I can trust, and who care about me as much as I care about them.
I am thankful I am finally going to get my highschool Diploma, and believe in myself enough to even try.

That is all. I am 21.
I am older,
wiser,
smarter,
happier.






Goodnight

<3 emellebe

My hand hurts.

From writing so much, yes, writing, with a pencil, do want to know what I was writing? Homework, for school, for my freaking High School diploma!! I am finally getting it! Finally! I have already finished 2 packets, and I have started the third. It is so great. I am going to turn them in on Tuesday and get more, also my credits I have earned previously will be in the computer, so we can have a clear look on what I need to do. I haven't told many people yet, I will when I'm almost done. I will also be having a graduation ceremony with the students that are graduating in 2011. I will get the cap and gown, the whole nine yards, and I will be so proud.

Tomorrow is my twenty first birthday. I have already gotten the gifts from my Dad's today, and they made me cry. I will call them tomorrow, if they don't call first. I miss them so much.

That's all I have for now. Otis is wrapped up snug in the chair with me. David will be home soon.. I guess ill get back to those packets.

I am not my body.

I feel fat right now, it's hard for me to feel this way. I have never dealt with weight issues, I have always thought I had an attractive body. I just want to lose like 10 pounds, doesn't seem hard to do... but I have to actually try? D:

On a happier note,
I went to SLCC today and talked to a Guidance Counosler about class, I found out I can do packets and get my High school Diploma! I am going in tomorrow at 10:30 to get them :) This makes me feel proud I will be able to have that under my belt.

I also have a phone interview with Ikea tomorrow.. cross your fingers..

We are moving soon, I am very excited to have my own place, with my own decorations.. and such.

Well, it's midnight, and I'm craving food.

<3

It's 7:32 a.m. and I am awake. Hurray for me!
I am making tea and trying to stay alive while I babysit for a few hours. I am so tired, but David got up, I should be able to get up. My dogs are still sleeping though, lazy fucks.

Early in the Mornin'

I HATE getting up early. Really, really hate it. David gets up early every morning for work, and then does hard labor. I can barely face the day to go and baby sit for a few hours, I don't get it.
So, as far as I know, we are moving out soon, surprisingly, my mom is quite sad about it. I thought she would be relieved. I have all these ideas for decorations and such, and luckily for us, we are moving around my birthday, so we might be able to make the place our own with the money i'll get from various contributors, I am happy :)

I hope everything works out, I hope we do end up moving and the previous tenant doesn't decide to stay for some random reason, or the Landlord decides she doesn't want us in there... David said when he spoke with her it seemed like quite the done deal, so I shouldn't be worried... but I am anyway.

I love Stephanie Nielson. She is such an inspiration. She is Mormon, and proud of it, and she speaks a lot of the Gospel and whatnot, and we all know how religious I am, haha. I feel sometimes if I had some sort of religion in my life I would be much happier, but maybe thats because I would feel like I have something to blame for all my misfortunes, or I can plant all my troubles on something never proven by Science (imo) and never have to worry about them, until I realize that my beliefs are wrong and that the only person that can make my problems mend themselves is me.

Anyway, Stephanie (aka nienie) loves to send the "Book of Mormon" to her readers, of course she writes an inspiring whatever story in the book, and then sends it, all for free, so I requested one.. not because I suddenly want to be Mormon, or am planning on reading it, because I think its fake, and a cult, but because I really like her, and she inspires me, and I would like to see her handwriting, or something.. it's funny I'm too afraid to tell David, but I'm agnostic, not shut out, and I don't believe in God, period, so I don't think any religion would make me start going to church, except maybe buddaism, because of the little fat buddah people put quarters on, I want one in my house.

Anyway, I need to go to bed.

It's 2:27 a.m. and I am finally wrapping up my night. My day was not productive by any means, and I feel sick again. My immune system is pretty shot trying to heal my cervix, and I keep getting hot flashes again. It really sucks. David is asleep, and he look so peaceful. Otis is laying on my foot, and Moose is in between Davids legs. Frankie is trying his best to fit in the bed that is three sizes too small for him, he will usually choose it over the bed his size.

I was trying to find a photo I took a while ago of what my bed looks like when all the dogs and David are asleep.. I think it is on my other computer... but before I wrap up, here are some pictures I took a bit ago, when spring had just sprung.





I want to sleep next to David now..

Good night.

Forgot...

I cut my hair, again. I don't know why, I was excited to grow it out.. D:




lol my arm looks like it doesn't belong to me. hah.

Mens asses.

I am sooo uncomfortable right now. My cervix is still leaking snow and I now have my period. I am going to be graphic because I'm sure the people who read this wont give a shat. DAD.

Anyway, yeah, uncomfortable, and I still can't take a bath until the day of my birthday, haha, happy birthday to me... is that supposed to be capitalized? Whatever.

So I had a melt down yesterday, I know! It's been like, 3 days!! My new record!
Poor David, when I have a meltdown he can't do anything right, I don't know how he doesn't murder me in my sleep with one of the knives he has in his nightstand. He cut his hair all gone, oh Kels, I forgot to tell you, i'll text you now...
Anyway, I had a meltdown because I really really really want to be an actress, or a singer, I don't want to settle for anything less then that, I have wanted to do it my whole life, but I have no idea where to begin. David says I need to study it in school, so as of now my goal is to start at SLCC, and then transfer to the U as I had planned, and study it there. It's hard, to believe that i'll be able to make it, but that sort of artistic gene I definatly get from my Dad, the Actor, and the Singer, and the endless oppoutunity creator. As I am writing this, I realize my spelling is becoming more and more, um, terrible. Sorry, well, wait, you wont notice because I have spell check, muahahahahaha.

Have a good day.

Mens asses.

My Vagina.

Yesterday I had something called Cryosurgery (cryotherapy) on my Cervix. This was done in hopes it would cure my ailment of Moderate Dysplasia. It hurt like hell. Not really when the procedure was commencing, but after, the aftermath of the quake was so painful, I had to lay down in the bathtub with the shower running, because I can't take a bath, but I couldn't stand up..
Anyway, super exciting, I know, you don't have to tell me twice.

So I start school in the Summer, yay! I am excited, it may just be the highlight of my year. I always get on here thinking I'm going to write more then three paragraphs, alas, I am yet again, proven wrong.

Thank you.

I woke up early today. My anxiety was bad, because I wanted to spend some time with David before he went to work... Going to work out with Joss in a few hours, in the meantime, eating an apple and drinking some limeade. I really don't have a lot to say, I thought I did when I logged on. Maybe next time.

Here is a picture I took of my beautiful sister-in-law, Brenda, at her wedding.




Bye now.

It keep's raining, on and off. Weird. I kind of like the rainy gloomy weather, but when it snows, it gets to be too much for me.

Sofia is about to go down for a nap, I told he she could watch a show she really liked, it's called something strange, so don't ask...

Saving up for a late birthday present, the 27 inch iMac. I am excited.. I should have it by august.

Here is an older pic of me I came across, after I shaved my head.

ET phone home!

So, last night was pretty interesting.. I went to the hospital. It was like staying in a hotel because I never go to the hospital, usually it's David that ends up in there, so I was feeling the king of the castle!!! lol

I went there because I was puking and puking, and each time I would puke, I would not feel any better, it was so terrible! David was all worried cause he is a sweetheart and had a lil' bit to drink so he called his sister Katherine, who is a nurse. She said, take me to the hospital, because abdomen pain is usually caused by something other then a virus.. also, in our family, everyone call's each other, and pretty soon, if you are puking, or pregnant, or tell one person anything important, you soon learn everyone knows and everyone is calling you.. it does make me feel special, but to get to my point Davids mom called and also told him to take me to the Hospital, so off I went..

Got there, and was sooooooo embarrassed sitting in the waiting room, since when I throw up, it sounds like god is smiting the world with a powerful noise, he is trying to burst every one's brains, like in "Mars Attacks!" but instead of shitty music, he is using my powerful puking noise as a weapon.... that went on for too long, anyway...
They called me in, hooked me up to an IV, and started to put fluids and a wonderful nausea medication that worked right away, it was wonderful. They took my blood test and diagnosed it as a "possible appendicitis". I need to watch for pain shifting in my abdomen, and if it moves to a different spot, or hurts worse, I need to come back.
Anyway, they asked if I needed pain medicine aka morphine, and David's inner drug addict came out and convinced me to have some. hahahahahaha.
I was phoning home like ET in no time, because the heart monitor thing they stick on your finger has a red light that glows, and it totally looks like you're ET, so why wouldn't I pretend?? Then, Purple Rain came on, and I was singing all the songs, and the Doctors were humoring me, telling me if Prince saw my blood work, and how healthy I was, he totally would want my body. That made me happy.. at the end of my visit, my doc said he would fax my paperwork on over to Prince's estate. I'm glad they humored me, it made my visit lovely..
I'm still quite loopy from the Morphine so not sure if this was an actual post or a ramble.

Oh hi.
Why am I so terrible at writing in my blog?
I'm not sure.

My uncle is coming back to UT on Sunday. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I love him so much, and am so excited, but he is stressing me out!
It seems like in his life he always has an issue, with something. He can't be happy, he won't let himself, it seems. He always goes in to things with the mentality everything is going to change, for the better. He moved to Tacoma because he wanted to be with Curry, and get the fuck out of Salt Lake, which I totally supported and thought was an excellent plan, because if you have ever lived here, it is hard... But now he doesn't like it there, and I find him telling me the same reasons to leave Tacoma as he told me when he was leaving Utah, almost a year ago.
His plan is to move to Kansas City, MO after he gets back here for a month or so, which will be excellent, because he will be near my dad, which is always a good thing, but he just wont change his mentality, I think he tries, but no matter where he goes he will never be happy or even satisfied with himself, therefore he wont be happy where he lives, or with his job, etc. He needs to change that first before he is ever going to get out of the rut he is in and start making some real changes.. (like drinking, smoking, etc.)
I think my Dad and Steven will be a huge help for him, but they can only give so much, before it's overwhelming.. I don't know, I'm just happy he isn't moving with me..
That's my ramble, about to go Nanny and get paid today! yay!

Painted a barn owl on a branch, it looks lovely, not quite finished, but I am excited for when it is.

FML

Who doesn't love job hunting? I want the one at Cactus and Tropicals, I mean have you ever been there? It is so zen and shit, I will be the calmest person ever.. seriously, maybe all my problems with anxiety will go out the door.. amirite? No, no..
Um, I have to go in to school today to get my new student ID. Exciting! I am starting in the summer, so no fun for me.
Well, with that being my first post in a while, I'm sorry, ive been on salon.com, ignoring the blogger...

here is a photo for your thoughts:


bye now.

Maybe I am getting a taste of my own medicine. But I really hate this shit. Best friends fail.

Good news! Already people are reading my Salon blog! Within an hour I got comments and Favorites, I am sooo stoked.

Applying for the Examiner to write.. GIVE ME STRENGTH LORD IF YOU EXIST!

Thanks.

I started a new blog on Salon.com because it gets a ton of readers, and if you haven't heard that is where Julie of Julie and Julia started her career. It might be the Julia, I don't know I always mix them up.

So. You know who is coming back to town.. my arch nemisis, my one true rival, the one person I could almost honestly say I hate.
But how can I hate someone as lost as he is? He is just trying to paint a version of his life, but is just using the wrong canvas.

Does that make sense to you?

I really haven't written lately, almost stopped I guess. It's probably because I have been seriously depressed recently. I'm not sure if it is the winter or what, but it sucks.
I don't like to talk about myself when I'm not happy with it...